Next on Animal Kingdom: The aggressive white male driver

They lurk among us as upright-walking beings. They are husbands, brothers, uncles, even fathers, but like the werewolf, under the right conditions these men can transform into one of nature's most dangerous creatures: The aggressive while male driver.

Seen mostly on the roads in Massachusetts, he has been known to go on car trips elsewhere and exact his ruthless behavior on unsuspecting and mild-mannered motorists. The aggressive white male driver can usually be found in some kind of truck or SUV or sporty car, usually trying to compensate for his own feelings of inadequacy in various capacities. It's the power of the big engine that gives the driver a feeling of power over the weaker-engined drivers. Some of them disguise themselves in minivans when their spouses are too busy to ferry the children.

The aggressive white male drivers are neither nocturnal or diurnal. They are out at all times of day and feed indiscriminately. Their favorite source of sustenance: small Japanese vehicles with four cylinder engines. Usually the four-cylinder driver doesn't even know she's under siege until her rear-view mirror is filled with the word "FORD" on an emblem that seems as big as the back window itself. The aggressive white male indicates that it is about to pounce usually by swaying from side to side to indicate that is looking for a passing lane. Sometimes, the way other animals flash their teeth as a warning, the aggressive driver will flash his high beams on the person who isn't driving 40 miles per hour over the speed limit on surface roads.

We see this example: This morning in Hyde Park, a blue Chevy S10 (not the most powerful of trucks, of course) rolls up behind an unsuspecting driver on a road that is one lane in each direction. As the road is about to become two lanes, the S10 sways from side to side to try to go around the non-aggressive driver. Once the slower driver doing the speed limit picks a lane, the aggressive driver picks the other lane to plow through at top speed. But wait! Danger ensues for both the aggressive driver and the law-abiding one because there's a line of stopped traffic ahead in the aggressive driver's lane. Those poor drivers are waiting to make a left. Deciding to put all drivers around him in jeopardy for the thrill of the kill, the aggressive driver guns the engine and swerves out of the lane at the last second and cuts off the aforementioned slower driver, forcing him to jam on his breaks and miss the light. Luckily the slower driver writes a weblog about these natural phenomena.

There have been attempts by police to contain the aggressive white male driver in recent years, but it's not something they will ever be able to completely eliminate. It's a scourge that is here to stay, much to the lament of honest, law-abiding drivers everywhere.


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